spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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