wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
