On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
