I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
