At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize