Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
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