i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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