it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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