Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
