Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
