This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
