So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
