you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I love you. Go after that dick
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
