We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
