i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Damn victory sex feels great
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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