This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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