i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
