oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
