My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
COCAINE IS GR8
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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