He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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