I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
