I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
we made out on top of his cat.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I enjoy the company of your penis
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