did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
