Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
