ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
do herpes really smell.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
