Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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