1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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