I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
