omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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