She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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