All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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