if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
