R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I believe in your delicious
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
