Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
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