if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
