dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
