gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
