All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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