Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
