so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
