so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
