I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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