can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Randomize
