Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Randomize
