I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
