I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
