Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Come see our sink grown plant.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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