No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
