I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
