you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize