corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Randomize
