she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Text me some of your sweat
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
