I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
