Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
