just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
