A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
