I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
im holly from the hills drunk
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
